So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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