I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
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I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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