I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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