The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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