Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
