sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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