I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
