Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
