i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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