I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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