I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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