I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
