I need help removing her.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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