This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
