I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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