The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
