Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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