Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
where are my eyebrows?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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