I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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