I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
