Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
