I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
