My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
