it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
