I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
