PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
