So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
