just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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