is your mom at the bar?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
