I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Still dying that you shit outside
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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