He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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