if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife