i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?