I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.