The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
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I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.