i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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