So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
