I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
