I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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