We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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