On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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