I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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