A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Randomize
