sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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