I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
