he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
