Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
