she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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