I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
