just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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