Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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