I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
