new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
