Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
