Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
