I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
