I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
