fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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