I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize