i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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