Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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